14.01.2014

I could have been there,but I haven't...I was there in the end. I came with the bitter sweet feeling of the lies that I was carrying with me,the heavy weight of the betray on my shoulders,his fragrance on my skin and look on my body. It's easy to get lost in your own lies. Especially when you have to balance between two of them. Slowly you forget the reality and you end up living in two complete different illusions of your life. I guess at first it is some kind of an escape from the mundane but you can't keep avoiding the reality,right? At some point that exact reality will slap you in the face and destroy the illusions and there comes the misery. So what you should do is try and make the illusion a reality. How that happens,well I dont have an idea,cuz if I had I wouldn't be in that situation,right?
I kind of found out that Im terrified of throwing people out of my life,it sickens me. It's maybe because I'm scared of being thrown out.  But it makes me so sad to see how people pass trough your life,leave a mark and then something happens and they just go away. And the saddest part is when you have to do that, I mean, after all Im not a soulless monster beside the fact that Im ginger... Anyways when it comes to saying this final goodbye to someone I get numb,lost and scared . I lose my ability to talk,think or even move. And that doesn't  happen often to someone like me. However I couldn't do it, I got lost and scared,so there goes another day with creating a bigger mess than myself.